What Will My Daughter Think?

Here’s the thing about hosting a podcast and publishing a book about my experiences with postpartum depression: my story is out in the world and I can’t call it back. Someday, my children will know my entire story. Not just the PG parts but the Rated R “suicidal/thinking about throwing my baby” parts.

What will Pippa think when she knows the full story?

(I don’t worry so much about Julian’s reaction to my story since he did not live it. Pippa, though, was there for the entire adventure.)

Nathan read my memoir before I published it. I gave him absolute veto power. He did not exercise that power, but he was concerned that I decided to share — multiple times and in graphic detail — about the dark thoughts I had about throwing Pippa. He reminded me that Pippa is going to read my book someday and it might be difficult for her to know I had these thoughts. I understand his concerns.

But I was not going to edit the scary, ugly bits out of my story.

Pippa might experience postpartum depression someday. I want her to know it’s okay and that no matter how dark her darkness gets, she will find the light and recover. At least, that’s my rationalization for including every part of my story.

But you want to know the real reason I included all of the darkest details of my postpartum story in my memoir? Because my intuition told me to, and my intuition really knows her stuff. My intuition told me to write the book, and the experience of writing my memoir was so important to my recovery that I want to help other moms write their postpartum memoirs. My intuition then told me to start a podcast, and the podcast is so rewarding, I want to inspire other people to start their own shows. And when it came time for revising my memoir, my intuition told me to keep all the dark bits, and so that’s what I did.

I know, in my gut-heart-soul, that Pippa will understand that my dark thoughts are not a reflection on my love for her. She might have some complicated, messy feelings about this someday, but you know what I have learned? Complicated, messy feelings are beautiful. When the time comes for Pippa to read my book and process the gory details, we’ll process her feelings together. It’ll be another adventure!