I’ve written several posts already about weaning off mirtazipane:
- The Beginning of the Adventure;
- The First Three Nights;
- One Week Progress Report; and
- The Two Week Progress Report.
After my post last week, I went to bed without mirtazipane. It went great! I fell asleep easily, slept beautifully, and woke up feeling refreshed and vibrant.
The next night, as planned, I took my tiny dose of 7.5 mg of mirtazipane. Once again, I slept well.
Then the next night, as planned, I went to bed without mirtazipane. And I tossed. I turned. My adrenaline kicked into high gear. Thoughts started racing. Little phantom bugs were crawling up my arms. Fuck, I thought, I guess I need to slow down this process even more.
I got out of bed and fumbled in the dark to find my bottle of pills. Then, I remembered: it was the end of my cycle, and I always have one night of so-so sleep before my period arrives.
I decided to keep taking 7.5 mg of mirtazipane until I got my period and felt my hormones hit the reboot button. So all last week, I kept taking mirtazipane at bedtime. There’s no need to be a hero when I already have PMS.
I’m so glad that I have started paying attention to my cycle. Now when my hormones start to twist and writhe, I can think, Oh, hi, PMS, and then be extra-tender with myself.
My PMS kicked into mega-high gear yesterday afternoon around 4 p.m. I just felt out of sorts and could imagine my hormones spinning like pinwheels during a hurricane. Other times, I felt like a pressure cooker with too much steam. I just could not wait for my period to arrive and take the lid off the cooker.
I’ve never actually worked with a pressure cooker. Does the analogy work?
I continued to feel out of sorts this morning and afternoon. I was short tempered and spent a few hours reclining in bed while the kids ran around and kept themselves busy. Then, around 4 p.m., I could feel something subsiding. I calmed down (a little) and my energy returned.
My period arrived a few hours later. Bliss! I still feel raw and worn out, so I’ll be taking my mirtazipane tonight, thank you very much. The next few nights, I’ll pay attention and when I’m feeling fully like my best self, I’ll try skipping the mirtazipane again.
Amidst all the uncertainty of weaning, one thing remains constant: this is truly an adventure.
But there’s no need to be a hero. Or rather, there’s no need to try to feel like a hero by weaning myself too quickly off my medication. Because after all my postpartum adventures, I’m already a hero. I have nothing to prove.